While my mantel says Happy Halloween, it never will be again, at least not the way it used to be. Up until last year, Halloween was my second favorite holiday. Then came the car accident that changed my life.
You see last year on Halloween, my brother was in a car accident on the way to pick up my nephew. Broad daylight, clear as day. We have no idea why he went off the road and hit that tree. It was on a country road, far from traffic. He was prone to falling asleep. He never drank. It just doesn’t make sense.
While his heart kept beating until December, I lost the vibrant man who was my brother last Halloween.
I kept a low key Halloween this year. I decorated earlier in the month while I was still in a brighter frame of mind. And then as the day got closer and closer, I fell more into a funk. I would have liked to just keep it quiet and watch something dark and scary to match my black mood, but I baked cookies with my darling boy instead. Can’t drag my little one down, he doesn’t understand.
So here I sit, typing away, knowing that fall will be changed forever. Next will come the Thanksgiving he won’t be able to attend. And then the dreaded Christmas. I hope I can see past the dark and focus on what I know he would want us to do. He was so fun-loving and family-oriented. He’d have wanted me to put on something macabre tonight and be silly with my boy. I was silly, in a quiet way – rolling cookie dough in sanding sugar can never be too serious, especially when it turns your tongue colors.
But I’m still in the mood to focus on the past instead of celebrating the present. I won’t keep doing this. I won’t drag you down with the details. Sillier, boozier posts will recommence. I just needed a night to reflect.